Essays to a Swan

Love Letter

for love of God and our human side*, Shasa to an old dear friend, January 18, 2005
* title inspired by the lyrics of Civil War by GNR

Do you know why you like me so much?

Cause theres a part of you that didnt grow up. Its the same thing you see when you look at me. A little kid whos refusing to grow. Thats why were so tight. Were like 2 little kids. Beyond innocence.

So why does life have to be this way. Why can’t we be together. Dont even try to tell me you wouldnt like to. Ours is the sort of relationship that can only deepen with time together.

I mean look at all we’ve been through.

You know why we’re still together. Cause as far as the other went, there was no quit in us. We knew why we liked each other and didn’t let time or anything let us forget that.

You may wonder as to what this is… Well its pretty much the same way it was the day I discovered I wasnt in love with you… Having you as a friend means a 100, no a 1000 times more to me than anything else that might be. I don’t want you physically. I want your soul. Can’t u see the difference? I’m like that. I’m one of the few guys on earth with whom such a relationship is possible.

This I know for a fact. I love you just as much as you love me. Look into your heart and tell me it isn’t so. The sweet part is that it isn’t spoilt the way most others spoil love.

You want to be with me almost as badly as I do. I just can’t accept the realities of life. Your more a realist. Im still a dreamer… but were both like kids…

And the truth lies somewhere in between. While we can’t do everything I want us to do…, we still can do more than you allow…

So when I talk about spending a night with you, don’t laugh at my own foolishness and your inherent inability to give yourself a little room to live. Instead try to find the golden mean that Aristotle kept talking about. For that which is actually possible lies somewhere between what I think we can do and what u think we cannot.

For that is what we should have to contend ourselves with… Until perhaps, 20 years from now… But by then, one of 2 things will have happened, I’d have married or I’d have killed myself from an inability to find a love to match and offset my own. And where is the question of us being together then either?

Stop kidding yourself. The only time to live is NOW. the only time to love is NOW. the only place you’ll ever be happy is HERE. The only guy who ever cares so much he’d make the sun rise in the west is ME. I know the difference I’ve made in some people’s lives. They’ve even thanked me for knowing me.

And the only thing I really really care about, more than all the other things I’ve cared about is you… don’t ask me why… I don’t know… I even know how not-worth-it you are. but I don’t care. ill love you till the end of days. and i know even if we don’t stay together forever, somewhere inside you’ll always love me too.

for that’s one thing I’m learning… the horrible mortality of relationships… I guess in our case we’re just lucky. Not a day that I don’t thank the stars for that.

Love me why? for the simplicity with which i put myself forth. The honesty and franticity. The joys i share. the pain I take. the sweet silly things I say or do. but most of all for my love of life…

For that’s perhaps the only thing I love more than anything else on earth… life.

Silly! I hope someday you’ll understand my love for God. its no different than my love for life, and all that is in it. my religion is no different from yours its just that I can understand yours, but you can’t mine. And because you can’t understand it, you dont think its the same as yours. And since your so sure yours is correct, you think mine is wrong. stupid its all the same. religion just means love of life.