Benumbing Isolation of Mental Illness

" I don't talk to my friends that much mom," remarked my elder son wearily. "Do you miss it?" I asked. " Yes, a lot", he said in a very subdued and depressed tone. My heart ached to caress him across the Atlantic ten thousand miles away.

We used to be an ordinary happy family, where we enjoyed all the occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, Diwalies, Thanksgivings and Christmases, and New Years. We socialized in various capacities and celebrated and rejoiced with friends, family and colleagues. Each of us in the family had his/her own friend circle and also we had close family friends with whom we hung out through thick and thin or so it seemed...

Among all of us, my elder son, Ramesh, was the most gregarious and vivacious. At six, he had friends ranging from two to twelve years. He seamlessly fit into any group and gave his best emotionally to everyone. Pravatt, on the other hand, had few but very close friends whom he hung on to tightly. He too had a very good rapport with his classmates, which I discovered when his third grade class gave him a farewell, while moving cities.

My husband Ashutosh, has had very close few friends with mutual respect and love who have stood by him.

I for one, have had very close friends and relationships with family which I have picked up along every walk of my life, be it school, college, work, meditation sojourns or a psyche rehab center. I have cherished these a lot. I have embellished in each of these friendships, celebrated, partied, and grown with each person.

However, over the past few years things have changed dramatically in our family's lives. The mental illness which has enveloped the family like a dark night, has scattered and shattered each one in many many ways.

Slowly, the friends have dwindled to a few brave souls who have stood by through the years, for which I am eternally grateful. A lot of the old friends don't know what to say, because most people want to be associated with normalcy and a daily regular life, and not gloom and doom. 'You have too many issues which tends to be depressing', they seem to imply. No one wants to listen to depressing things. I feel embarrassed and apologetic to take up people's time for my issues, when they are otherwise going about their business of a routine day. Others also feel the same way. You see this has slowly made us isolate ourselves. There is an unspoken hint, that that's what therapists are for, you pay them to listen to your issues.

The other very important embarrassment is the disability associated with mental illness. The inability to be productive like before, makes one want to hang one's head in shame. How can I explain how deep the lack of confidence is, and from whence it arises? This is the biggest question which has made me vary of socialization: "what are you doing now?" How can I explain the lethargy and brain fog which plagues me everyday, with my brain bathed with psychoactive drugs? How can I explain the inability to carry on all the intellectual pursuits and not so intellectual tasks, which I could perform so easily in the past?

Since a lot of my friends know that I only volunteer and work occasionally, their next best question is to ask me about my contribution as a mother. "What are your sons doing?" Since it is normal among the so called normal people to have educated and married off their children by this time. However, that's not the path my children are taking. Academic success in its classic form appears to be eluding them.

Oft-times there is a pity which is absolutely unthinkable and unbearable. I would rather die than face that pity, as everyday we try to live with our head held high, despite all the adversities, and there is no scope for that kind of lip-sympathy. Therefore it is better to stay away from it all, than be exposed to that kind of pain.

Thus it appears like we as a family are failures at multiple levels and thus it is easier to isolate ourselves and for our friends to leave us alone rather than reach out to us. However, its my bid to change this foreboding of mental illness. As a teenager, I dreamt of becoming an astronaut, as I gazed at the stars shining above from the window next to me. I am nowhere near that dream, yet I know my life will help change something in the mental health sphere.

Depression afflicts one in ten youth in the world, and is one of the greatest causes of disability among the millennials. These statistics give some relief that you're not alone. But to not be alone, in day to day life you need to stand with other people who face the same problems. You need to be in support groups. These support groups are available for individuals, but you need to go as a family and socialize, like the old times, except with different set of people. This is really a big challenge! Support groups otherwise are artificial. Although through a couple of 'meet ups' I have attended, I've found that people are remarkably open and honest about their lives. But there is a woeful lack of 'so called normal talk'. Thus there is no happy balance with this situation.

Instead, with friends and family who know your life, it is easier to be normal as well as allow the space for an honest and open dialogue about the difficulties with mental illness, which can go a very long way in living a life of normalcy.

I therefore choose to write to educate our family and friends, to allay this benumbing isolation of mental illness. To be able to talk about the spiritual attributes of mental illness. Mental illness is only going to rise in the coming decades. So stay with us. If not like before, be present in a manner which is comfortable for you. Because deep inside we are the same people, with the same aspirations, same joys, same fears, same insecurities, and a need for an ordinary life without stigma and discrimination, and who knows you may find something relevant to learn in your lives from the way we cope with ours.